


i'm searching for something that i can't reach

by reachedthebitterend



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 07:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20205664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reachedthebitterend/pseuds/reachedthebitterend
Summary: Michael's attempt at being normal backfires.





	i'm searching for something that i can't reach

**Author's Note:**

> written on 05/16/19

It takes Michael five weeks to break under the strain of _everything is normal_.

He sits at the bar at the Wild Pony and drinks in every smile that Maria throws his way, but she’s too busy to come over and talk, and even if she could, their pending conversation is too heavy for the bar’s public hours.

Michael tells her at first that he’s busy helping Isobel get ready for Noah’s funeral, and that comes and goes and then he’s busy, helping Isobel move, and busy helping Isobel take her mind off things, and busy visiting the hospital where Max is hooked up to machines that keep him breathing, and just, busy.

It’s not like he’s lying to her. He is busy.

But he’s busy locked in his bunker stretching his abilities to the limits and then some, and then being sick and feeling vulnerable for hours afterwards.

There are only three people that he can stand being around like that and one of them is dead and the other is avoiding him, which just leaves Isobel.

Maria drops a fresh beer right in front of him. “You staying tonight, or you too busy?”

She’s smiling, but there’s an uncertainty in her eyes, an insecurity that Michael knows he put there the longer he postpones talking to her.

Michael looks at her and weighs his options.

He’d come here because it’s a habit.

He woke up from passing out and almost choking on his own vomit with Isobel yelling at him.

_“We’ve lost Max!” she snaps when Michael doesn’t say anything to defend himself. “Don’t make me lose you too!”_

After that she told him that maybe they needed to take a break, that Max wasn’t going to get any more dead or any more alive if they took a break for one day.

So he’d cleaned himself up and drove here because it’s what he did when he needed to clear his head, to be somewhere where he didn’t have to think, where he could just drink and flirt and not think about how the rest of his life was falling apart.

But he couldn’t do that here anymore, could he?

In order to get to the nice and easy and _normal _part that he liked about being around Maria, he would have to wade through all the heaviness and complications that came with the fact that they’d had sex and she was Alex’s best friend.

Not to mention how his hand was miraculously healed, and how Max had ended up in a coma the same night that Noah had died after being struck by lightning.

_And _where Liz and Valenti had disappeared off to three weeks ago after someone reported seeing a girl who’s been dead for ten years walking around.

It wasn’t that Michael didn’t think that Maria deserved to know the whole truth. The problem was that Michael really didn’t want to deal with that tonight.

Especially when he was supposed to be taking a break from it.

So he tries to smile as guileless and apologetically as possible and says, “Sorry, DeLuca. I have early morning plans with Izzy.”

Maria’s face shutters, a phenomenon he’s seen on multiple occasions, but not recently.

She straightens up, and Michael hadn’t really noticed how open and inviting her body language had been until she crosses her arms and purses her mouth.

“You seen Alex around lately?” she asks deceptively careful.

“No,” Michael says slowly, not sure where she’s going with this.

She gives him a look that says she doesn’t believe him. “Yeah, well, he’s been real busy lately too.”

Her look implies that Alex has been getting busy with him and the thought is so _unimaginable _after the last couple of weeks that he’s had that he can’t help but laugh. A move that sends her from cold to pissed in two seconds.

Before she can go stalking off, Michael stands and reaches out and stops her with a hand on her arm. She pulls away from him and gives him a glare.

“I haven’t seen Alex since the night before Noah died,” he says and watches the knowledge of the date sink into her head. “He’s been avoiding me, which isn’t all that different from usual, just didn’t realize that I wasn’t the only one. Though if you think about it, you might figure out why he might be avoiding you too.”

Maria just watches him, stiff upper lip, and eyes shining with complicated emotions.

When she doesn’t respond, Michael scoffs and pushes away from the bar.

He tugs a couple of bills out of his pocket and drops them on the bar, before putting his hat back on his head and leaving the bar.

***

Michael isn’t surprised to find himself standing outside of Valenti’s apartment.

Ever since he found out that Alex had given up his cabin to the Valenti-Ortechos and was working out of Valenti’s apartment, Michael found himself driving by, but never getting out of the truck. Hoping to bump into Alex.

But never actually going out of his way to make it happen.

Until now.

Michael is knocking on the door before he can think too much about it.

Alex opens the door almost immediately already speaking, “That was fas-”

He stops when he sees who is at the door. His eyes go wide, and his eyebrows go high, and his mouth drops open, and he just seems to freeze for a moment, like he can’t actually believe that Michael is there.

Michael takes him in for a moment.

He looks soft and approachable in a way that Michael has never seen. With his hair a mess and the soft black shirt with it’s too wide collar that Michael finds really familiar to his loose comfortable jeans and his bare feet.

Alex shakes his head, almost like he’s shaking himself out of a stupor, and he blinks his eyes several times before he’s swallowing hard and squaring his shoulders, body language completely closing off, like he’s getting ready for a fight.

“What are you doing here, Guerin?” Alex asks, furrowing his brow. “Is something wrong?”

Michael gives him a look and licks his lips. “You mean besides everything that’s already wrong?”

Alex sighs, but doesn’t answer.

He looks over Michael’s shoulder and then back to his face. “Is there a reason-?”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Michael says, and Alex stops talking giving Michael an incredulous look. “I just wanted to know why this time. You said that you were done walking away. Called me your family, and now that I need-”

Alex scoffs and rolls his eyes. “You can’t really be serious, Guerin. I waited for you for _hours _and then when I couldn’t wait any more I left you a note to let me know that you’re okay. And you come here demanding answers. I’m not an idiot. I got your message. No contact added to the fact that you’ve been at the Wild Pony everytime that you’ve had a break for the last five weeks isn’t exactly heavily coded. It wasn’t that difficult to decipher.”

Michael licks his lips, swallowing hard, and just watches Alex.

Alex huffs out a breath and snaps. “What?”

Michael gives him a helpless shrug. “I haven’t actually been to the Airstream since the last time I was there with you.”

Alex deflates suddenly in front of him and gives him another incredulous look.

Michael licks his lips again. “What did your note say?”

“Does it really matter?” Alex asks sounding tired.

“Yes,” Michael says insistently and moves in closer, stepping to the threshold of the door and feeling a spark of delight at the fact that Alex doesn’t move away.

When Alex had said the words that he was going to be fighting his own battles and was going to kiss him, Michael had felt that spark. For one second, before everything went to hell, Michael had really thought that he and Alex were finally on the same page.

But then he’d been the one to lose his mark.

Alex lets out a breath and leans against the door, “It said that I had to go, but that you should call me and let me know when we can talk, and that I’m here for whatever you need.”

Michael licks his lips and takes another step closer. “Whatever I need?”

Alex makes a face as though he doesn’t know where Michael is going with this, but nods his head.

“I don’t want to talk,” Michael says decisively.

Alex straightens up and nods his head a little. “Okay?” he says more of a question than a statement.

“But I do need something from you,” he continues.

“What?” Alex asks, brow furrowed.

Michael doesn’t speak. He takes the last step that puts him right into Alex’s personal space, and Alex’s eyes go wide as though he hadn’t noticed how close Michael was getting.

Michael digs his fingers into the back of Alex’s neck and tugs him in.

Alex stumbles into him but moves into the kiss, fingers wrapping into the open collar of Michael’s jacket as he gasps, a sound that sounds like relief.

Michael pushes in closer, pushing him back, and biting against his mouth until Alex is leaning back against the door, opening to Michael easily like he’s been waiting this whole time for Michael to kiss him.

Michael loses track of time and of anything else but Alex’s mouth beneath his, and his chest rising and falling rapidly underneath his, and his stomach trembling against Michael’s.

Michael pushes his hands underneath Alex’s shirt and slides his hands across the small of his back, digging his fingers in and pulling him closer, and Alex moves into it easily, pressing in closer, and moaning against his mouth.

Alex pushes him away suddenly, and Michael makes a noise in protest at the back of his throat eyes on Alex’s mouth as Alex says something, looking over Michael’s shoulder, a flush working it’s way across his cheeks.

Michael turns around and sees a kid maybe, nineteen, holding a pizza and looking everywhere but at them.

Michael moves away from Alex, and Alex clears his throat before he’s taking the pizza and handing it to Michael, reaching for the receipt he has to sign.

Michael grabs the pizza and sets it down on top of the counter, before he turns back towards the door.

Alex gives the receipt back to the kid who says bye and practically runs away, face red.

Alex is saying something beneath his breath, but Michael doesn’t really pay attention.

Alex closes the door, and Michael is there when he turns around, pushing him back into the door.

“Wait,” he says before Michael kisses him.

Michael sighs and pulls back.

Alex blinks several times, pulling his lower lip into his mouth before he takes a deep breath.

“We can’t do this,” he says finally.

Michael swallows hard, “Why not? We’re both adults, and we both want it.”

Alex lets out a shaky breath. “It’s not that simple and you know it.”

“It can be,” Michael says stepping forward, reaching for Alex.

Alex swallows hard and looks at Michael in the eyes. “I love you.”

Michael freezes, stopping in his tracks, eyes wide and on Alex.

Alex takes a deep breath and keeps going.

“I’ve loved you since I was seventeen, I can’t just turn that off, and neither can you, no matter how hard you’re trying to act like all it’ll be is sex, you know it’s not. It will never just be sex between us.”

Michael inhales deeply and lets his hands fall to his sides. “I’m not saying that it’ll just be sex. I’ve spent the entire day down in the bunker pushing myself and downing bottles of acetone. I feel like maybe I’ll fall apart at the seams if someone doesn’t touch me, but I don’t want just anyone to touch me. My head feels full to the brim of thoughts and feelings and Isobel’s thoughts and feelings, and the empty gaping hole that is Max that I never noticed took up so much background space, and now it’s just so loud how empty it is, and I can’t hear over the vastness of it. And then there is another gaping hole that I never noticed even existed that I only got to experience once in its entirety before it was ripped away from me, and when I close my eyes all I hear is that siren and, and all I can feel is how much she loved me and all I can see is you, telling me that I’m your family, telling me that you don’t look away, all for what? To get me to go with you when I finally found what I’ve been looking for my entire life. I can’t hate you for trying to save my life, but I’ll always hate you for trying to die for me.”

Michael stops talking as though he hit a verbal wall, swallowing hard and looking everywhere but at Alex.

This is why he didn’t want to talk to anybody, because he knew he would end up saying too much.

Alex’s hands settle on either side of his face, just barely touching his cheeks, and Michael freezes, eyes locking to Alex’s, as he inhales and places his hands on Michael’s face, cupping his cheeks, and moving his hands up, sliding his fingers into his hair.

Michael shudders and leans into the touch helplessly.

“What do you need, Michael?” Alex whispers voice low, almost soundless.

Michael keeps his eyes close. “I need to not think for a few hours.”

He hears Alex inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale and inhale and exhale, before he’s tugging against Michael’s hair, and moving him gently backwards.

Michael opens his eyes and looks at Alex, who keeps his eyes on him, until Michael feels the back of the couch against his shins.

Alex pushes him back, and Michael lands on the couch, in sitting position, looking up at Alex, waiting for his next move.

Alex stares at him for one more second before he’s dropping into his lap, knees on either side of Michael’s thighs.

He presses in close, leaning over Michael’s shoulder, and then over the back of the couch as though he’s looking for something.

Michael just slides his hands underneath his shirt, sliding his fingers across the smooth skin of his back.

He hears the twang of guitar strings as Alex pulls back, tugging a guitar from behind the couch with him.

Michael freezes again as Alex sits back against his knees and settles the guitar between them.

“Play me something,” he says before he’s standing up, and heading towards the kitchen.

Michael swallows hard and holds the guitar carefully in his hands before he inhales deeply and moves his fingers into position.

He begins to play and then frowns and tunes the guitar, and then starts to play again, sighing in relief as his fingers find the familiar chords to one of his favorite songs.

He feels Alex sitting down beside him, and he smells the scent of coffee, but he’s lost in the music, playing through several songs as he enjoys how the sound fills up every single space in his head dimming every other sound until all he can hear is the sweet melody and all he can feel is the vibration of the chords against his fingers.

He sighs and stops turning to Alex, and finds him staring at Michael with a smile on his face that Michael hasn’t seen in a long time.

Michael swallows, and feels a little embarrassed at the reason why he came here tonight.

“Thank you,” he says, and he doesn’t just mean for the guitar.

Alex’s smile widens and he pushes his knee against Michael’s. “You’re welcome.”

There is a moment when they look at each other that Michael is transported back to a tool shed and another instance where Alex gave him a guitar and an almost kiss he’d backed away from not knowing exactly what he wanted.

He leans in a little bit, and Alex inhales sharply, eyes falling to Michael’s mouth, before he’s moving back and reaching for his coffee.

“Play me another song?” he asks looking at Michael out of the corner of his eye as he takes a sip of his coffee.

Michael licks his lips and just lets his fingers find the chords to another song, losing himself in the music once again.


End file.
